Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
