im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
