my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize