I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
