i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize