I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
