Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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