You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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