Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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