Your face is a jimmy john
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
