just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
