I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
