And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
