Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
