All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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