my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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