Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
