when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
