So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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