Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Randomize
