I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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