so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
