you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
