Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
