Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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