Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
