If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
