You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Randomize
