How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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