if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize