He uses pillows to masturbate.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
