....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
