My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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