I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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