I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
