the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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