You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
