Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
