I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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