got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
