yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
