he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
