if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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