Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
