So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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