You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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