chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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