i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
my liver is dry heaving
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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