I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
