Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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