Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
