she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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