Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
