I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i came on her dog
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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