i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
time to smoke my breakfast
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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