I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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