It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
