Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
