I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
