Pappa wants mamma naked
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
