What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
