According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize
