beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
