Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
