i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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